I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
