i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just gift wrapped bread.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
And then he peed in my hair
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