All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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