my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
