So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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