A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
