I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
