I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
