is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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