Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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