Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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