At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
