why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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