I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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