They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
