I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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