I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
