she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
