there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
In America we eat man semen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I will pee on everything he values.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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