My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
