He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize