Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
