so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think your dad took our porno
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
