why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
