I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
