Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
