So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
