I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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