I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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