Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
