some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
