I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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