How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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