is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
