there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Randomize
