Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
