I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
