My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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