I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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