I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
