yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
