I just made out with a guy for $7.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
