The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
