rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
