shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
