I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
