we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
