the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
