textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
