So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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