How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
