I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
