Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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