70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
