he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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