Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
literally had 100 drinks last night.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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