Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
two words...techno handjob
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
