just tell him i said nine months
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
