Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
