how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
