I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
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I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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