I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
